Weddings are scary.

Gender stereotypes would have you believe that little girls dream of their perfect fairytale wedding every moment of every day, starting at the moment at which they can first conceptualize that they will someday be able to lock down another human being and legally bind that human being to do their bidding(read: Living The Dream). In a lot of cases, this is true to one degree or another. I was, in fact, a little girl once, and I have, in fact, had many a fantasy about pretty white dresses and flowers.

The thing about my fantasies is that they usually involve having something that takes a great amount of effort just sort of happen as though it floated from the sky on a cloud. In my fantasies, I never had to pick a season to get married in, or a caterer, or flowers. They were just there, glorious and true, as tiny bluebirds put on my veil and placed a flute of champagne into my graceful, waiting hand. Ah, yes, what a delight. Unfortunately, my fantasies lied to me and stomped on my dreams. Weddings take time, and money, and effort- oh noes!- and while I am pretty good about putting forth effort despite my fancy-free fantasies, I have no clue where to start and know very few married ladies who planned their own weddings. I’m delightfully awkward, so the idea of attending big events and meeting vendors and even making new friends who also happen to be getting married is pretty damn scary to me.

I don’t even think I’ve wrapped my mind around the reality surrounding the big shiny ring on my finger yet. I’ve had it for a month, and I still do a double take when I seriously sit down and think about the fact that this ring symbolizes the fact that I’m going to marry the Panda, who is one of my best friends and one of the most awesome human beings I’ve ever come across. Weddings might be scary, but that part- the important part that goes well beyond that big, fancy, expensive party; the part that, by all logic and reason SHOULD be scary- is AWESOME.

I dunno why the forever part isn’t so scary. Maybe it’s because it comes so slowly, maybe because here and now and standing still, I can’t see or feel the full force of its mass. I don’t expect perfection and ease from it, that would be foolish, but there is a distinct absence of fear, and it is worth noting that is difficult to force yourself to be afraid of something that, for whatever reason, does not scare you.

So I’m getting married. Yeah. That’s a thing.